When it comes to the worlds greatest escape artist, the world champion hide and seek title holder, and the king of bait-and-switch, you’ve gotta hand it to God. This character is in a league of his own. He has outclassed, outstripped, and outdone all other practitioners of the arts, and shows no signs of slowing down.
Despite billions of people worldwide attesting to talking to this guy, not a single person in the entire world can even tell you what he looks like. He’s never been photographed. He’s never been recorded. We can’t even get an accurate quote. He literally never leaves a trace. No footprints, no fingerprints, nothing out of place, no DNA, nothing dropped, nothing missing. Absolutely nothing.
Despite an ever-increasingly technologically advanced society, God has managed to evade every possible effort to seek him out. While nearly every human alive now has a camera in their pocket at all times, not a single picture exists of this guy. We can hook people up to all sorts of sensors and probes, and this guy still manages to sneak past the most sophisticated detection devices known to man to deliver messages. Hell, we can measure gravity waves but we still can’t get a single needle to quiver when this guy has come around.
And don’t try to capture him. Oh, no. Hell, the bible specifically says you can’t test God. He’ll see right through your ruse and make his escape, leaving you with an empty trap. He has reportedly helped people find their keys, cured cancer, gotten people jobs or promotions, comforted them during their time of need, matched up romantic partners, and offered great advice. But ask him to do one of these things in advance, and he’s just gone, like he was never even there……
And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention God’s absolute winning status as a snake-oil salesman. The lowest and sleaziest crooked salesmen the world over are amazed at God’s ability to promise the world, furnish a polished turd, and still get repeat paying customers. No other salesman could get away with selling something that is supposed to heal you, make you healthy, and give you a long life, only to kill you within weeks, and still get people to keep buying. Yet here he is. And his success is largely built upon a key loophole that he sticks on all of his products: “The Plan™”.
You see, his product is not a simple get-rich scheme. His product is part of a complicated get-rich scheme. By having people buy into the idea that it’s a miraculous product, but their individual results may vary based on a larger plan of overall goodness, each individual is already aware that their specific product might be shit. It’s absolutely an incredible marketing ploy, especially since the actual results are worse all around. Worse for the individual, worse for all customers collectively, and worse for anyone at all because of the actions of the customers in the rest of the community. It’s a brilliant, criminal scheme.
Yes, God has enriched himself so much over the years that he has dozens of properties in nearly every community in the world. And all this despite his demonstrably poisonous product. When you look collectively at his ability to bait and switch his customers of large sums of money, his unmatched ability to escape physical or even logical traps, and his thousands of years on the run without a single sighting, and I can think of no better recipient for this award.
It is therefore my pleasure to announce that today, I hereby bestow the award of “Greatest Fraud of the Universe” to the Great God-dini!
*God did not show to collect his award. As we kinda assumed this would happen, we didn’t actually make an award. This award is fake. Like God.
The Spartan Atheist