Cliff-notes Jesus

Back when I went to church, our preacher would talk about this dude named Jesus. You may have heard about him. Jesus was an amazing man, who came into our world to save us all. He knew from the beginning he would die, but he preached love and compassion. He was kind, and even helped people that his peers regarded as lesser people. In allowing himself to be executed, he took on our sins and forgave them, because he loved us so much he wanted us to get to heaven.

We had bibles in my house growing up, but most of what we had were the “devotional” type bibles, where they pick a verse and then talk about it. And of course, we had the bible picture books, which glorified god and his plan to save us from sin. Every Sunday, the priest would read a few readings and talk about them- a different few each week. I sorta assumed that even though I’d actually never read the bible, I pretty much knew what was in it.

Wow, was I wrong. Years later, already not what you would call faithful, I was having a discussion with a preacher that told me I was taking bible references out of context. So, I set it upon myself to read it. I was shocked. I hadn’t heard the whole bible, or a lot of it, or even a bunch of it. I had heard, over the course of 17 years of churchgoing, a loop of a few cherry-picked verses repeated over and over. And what I learned I was missing was crazy.

Old Testament god is just a complete asshole. Far from being a loving, all knowing planner of the universe, it is clear that he is constantly bungling everything up and getting pissed at people for almost nothing. He not only admits that he’s jealous, he says his NAME is jealous. Of what? He’s god! Who could he possibly be so insecure toward? Turns out, he’s jealous of damned near every other god in the region at the time. He is in competition with them. If god made the whole world and was a loving god, why would he fear competition? It’s the opposite of what I was told. He makes a plan and it goes wrong so he kills people, he gives confusing advice and leaves for a couple hundred years and then comes back and kills some people…. he likes killing people I guess.

God also has a really f***ed up concept of morality. Think about the story of Lot escaping Sodom and Gomorrah. In my picture bible as a child, Lot was the only good person in the city, so god warned him with angels, and he escaped. His wife, who liked the wicked cities, looked back despite being warned, and was turned to salt. It’s already a fairly odd story in the first place, and in retrospect I wonder why god didn’t just decide to spend more time with his creation so they could love him, instead of turning to other gods. Imagine for a second how absent you have to be as a parent if your child pretends a pillow or something is you. Damn, go play catch with the kid sometime!

But what I realized when I read the real bible was that wasn’t the whole story. The picture book bible people condensed the bible down a bit, sort of a “cliff notes version”, but conveniently left all the stuff out about god being a complete dick. You see, the angels making their way through town to Lot’s door had attracted a crowd of men that wanted to have homosexual sex with them. Lot, the supposed pillar of virtue, stopped the crowd from demanding sex with the angels by OFFERING HIS DAUGHTERS to get gang-raped. This apparently was totally cool with god, but looking back at the burning city was the big no-go? And if you think that part of the story is horrible, what happens next is just sick.

Since Lot’s wife is now table seasoning, it’s just him and his two daughters (the ones he offered for the gang-rape) living in a cave. Since women know they’re only value is in having babies, (good parenting, Lot) they decide they need to get pregnant. So they get Lot really drunk (they must have thought to pack a few bottles of wine while escaping genocide) and the one daughter screws Lot, who is apparently so drunk he doesn’t realize he’s screwing his daughter, but amazingly still sober enough to get a woody. The next night, the other daughter also gets Lot so drunk he can’t see (but still gets a boner) and screws her dad as well. They of course both get pregnant, because women are just fields that get seed planted in them and don’t have a reproductive cycle or anything.

Yes, the man that offered his daughters up for a gang-rape party and was at least sober enough to screw his daughters is the man god decided was the “good egg” that should be saved.

One thing is perfectly clear, the writers of the cliff-notes version of god are either completely dishonest, or higher than Snoop Dog at 4:20 on April 20. They edited the story so things seemed all nice and cheery! And I’m here to inform you, if your idea of god is from preachers and Christian social media posts, you are wrong.

Remember how god told Abraham to kill his son, and then at the last minute stopped him? God would never allow him to do that, we are told. Cool story, bro. Try telling that to Jephthah. God liked Jephthah, but instead of just letting him go out and win battles with some godly assistance, god instead gets Jephthah to make a stupid bet that ends up with a sacrificed daughter. God didn’t stop the hand of the faithful this time.

And just in case the Christians reading this are doing the traditional “OT doesn’t count” dance, bible Jesus makes cliff-notes Jesus look like a wimp. Bible Jesus tells his disciples that he isn’t here to save anyone but the Israelis. Bible Jesus curses and kills a fig tree because it was out of season and he was hungry. Bible Jesus tells his followers that it’s better to break apart a family then not follow him. Bible Jesus curses entire cities. Bible Jesus says disobedient children should be stoned. Bible Jesus advocates beating slaves.

I could write a biography of Hitler and make it sound good if I cut out all the rage, jealousy, genocide, racism, and useless war. But that’s exactly what cliff-notes god is. We cut out the rage, jealousy, genocide, racism, and useless war. Only once the flock is thoroughly indoctrinated to believe that this magic Hitler is actually good, do they start to allow some of them to read about the evil shit, and then only slowly and with plenty of excuses. This is the point of bible studies.

Newsflash. If your deity is full of rage, jealousy, genocidal tendencies, racism, loves killing people, and you have to hide or make up additional excuses to cover his evil actions, he’s not a deity worth worshiping.

The Spartan Atheist

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22 thoughts on “Cliff-notes Jesus

  1. Ben said something yesterday that really struck me. Most atheist you meet are super nice and decent people. They are the ones that cannot overlook the evil of religion. Even if there was a god, you’d have to compromise your own morals to be a Christian.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I tell you Jim, this Ben guy seems to be quite the knowledgeable fella. Probably devilishly handsome and just a pleasure to be around. And humble as well. Modesty suits him well. 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Only it handsome means your face caught in fire and your mother put it out with an axe. But yes. Wise and humble.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Fair enough Jim. You are wise as well. You saw right through that BS.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Lol. Hey great comment though. If I get get a new perspective every day I’m happy. Now your 1/70. Not bad

        Like

      4. Sweet. A new record. I’ll take it.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Still waiting on that button. Amen most times after prayer a casual onlooker would say “ahem”. (With eye roll of course)

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Very compromised. Orange just had someone jump in for help, claiming that god never murders, and that the genocides must have been right because god knew something we didn’t. Makes me cry for humanity.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well said. The church ignores so much of the Bible that it’d almost be laughable if it wasn’t so disturbing. Anytime I had a question about a passage that seemed at odds with church teaching, I was told it was “out of context” or that I was “misinterpreting” it. Not unlike debating Christians on WordPress. I have engaged a couple of them and their response was always that I was “misinterpreting” the Bible. If I asked for them to show me my mistakes and correct me, they just insisted I was not understanding it and I was wasting their time. Avoidance is their specialty.

    I think Christians’ biggest enemy is not Satan. It’s the Bible. God’s “Holy” word. It contradicts them at every turn. They just don’t know it because most of them don’t read it. I would challenge anyone to read the whole thing. Maybe even read it a few times. See if it lines up with those warm and fuzzy Sunday sermons. It usually doesn’t. Churches encourage people to read the Bible, but they usually direct you to which parts they want you to read. The “questionable” parts and the disturbing “this isn’t who I thought God was” parts? Just ignore those. God’s not like that anymore.

    The Sunday sermon Bible is just about the only one Christians are familiar with. When they learn about the uncut, full version……well, that’s why some of us are no longer Christians. Fantasy God. Man up in the clouds God. Happy, loving and caring Jesus God. Those aren’t the ones you read about at home. Let’s just say that I was glad I read it at home because that’s where my bed is. After reading about the true God, I had my blankets to hide beneath because that’s the god of nightmares.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. And as the satanic church says, Satan is their best ally, because he’s kept them in business all these years!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Amen…no wait. I can’t say that anymore. What’s the non-Christian equivalent of Amen? Right on? Yeah. Right on….That’ll do.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. The Christians don’t want to “see” what they are really worshipping just might be Satan in disguise. How could it not be! Look at the history!
    But of course there is none of that in reality, but those that wrote the Bible…what sick minds they must have had. Religious fanaticism that we see today is proof that insanity lives closely inside many people just waiting for an excuse or a petty hatred to emerge!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I had heard, over the course of 17 years of churchgoing, a loop of a few cherry-picked verses repeated over and over.

    You’ve summed it up well with that sentence. But let me add this — even if a Christian actually reads the entire bible, they have been so indoctrinated, they are totally blind to the reality of what it says. They will put on their rose-colored glasses and swear what they’re reading has a “deeper meaning” and should not to be taken literally. I know … because I did exactly that.

    “There are none so blind as those who will not see. ”

    P.S. As usual … great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Spot on!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Well when I was still one of god’s children my whole moral compass was something like this god the personification of good on one end of the scale and satan the personification of evil at the other end. So it was not something surprising that any time I came across a verse that painted god in bad way I would just wave it aside as god must have a reason and come up with some other stupid reason to justify his(or her or it or whatever) actions after all how can god the very definition of good do something that is not good to think otherwise implies you are being controlled by the devil

    Like Nan said
    “There are none so blind as those who will not see. ”
    The first step in being enlightened is to start seeing

    Great post spartan

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Good post for telling it like it is. Funnily enough, I’m willing to bet more people become atheists reading the Bible than they do reading any atheist book (not that they don’t help). Even though Abraham didn’t actually kill his son, the whole story is still pretty fucked up. Jesus might’ve said some nice things but he ‘one up’s OT God by throwing Hell into the picture.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, god was “nice” to Abraham, but Jephthah got the shaft. See that article if you haven’t already. I was horrified when I realized how fucked up the bible really was.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Which article was it?

        Like

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