Yes, dear reader, I, The Spartan Atheist, have come to realize that the giant invisible magic pink unicorn is real. Not only is he real, he is our ultimate creator. What is more, you actually believe in him too, or else you are just being closed minded and want to sin.
You see, the giant invisible magic pink unicorn (GIMPU for short) is magnificent beyond what our feeble human minds can comprehend. This is how we know he is real. Think about it. If we assume that human knowledge contains even 1% of the possible knowledge in the universe, then that means there is 99% of the knowledge in the universe that we may never know. And what is in that void? Well, we don’t know about magic, so obviously that 99% contains magic. And do you know what is magic? Yes. The Giant Invisible Magic Pink Unicorn. *drop mike*
Oh, and I almost forgot the best part! A while back when I realized that GIMPU was real, I started giving thanks to him every time something good happened in my life. I got married, so I absolutely knew GIMPU was there smiling. My child was accepted to a good college, praise GIMPU! And get this…. After I started writing the first draft of this very article about GIMPU, I was just out walking around wondering if we can prove GIMPU is real, and do you know what happened???? No shit, I was walking around Walmart and I SAW A UNICORN TOY! Praise GIMPU! Can you believe it!?!?!?
I tell you what, ever since I’ve let GIMPU in my life, I feel so much better. To be honest, I feel so wonderful that I never want to live in a world without GIMPU. Sometimes as I’m walking around thinking about how much GIMPU loves me and helps me, I look around and wonder if some of the people don’t believe in GIMPU and accept him in their hearts. I feel so sad for them! Not only are they missing out on GIMPUs love, but as we all know, if you close your heart to GIMPU your spirit will become a hair on a troll’s butt.
Come to think of it, imagine just for a second that GIMPU might not be real. You should definitely still believe in GIMPU because otherwise you become troll butt hair. Think about it. It just makes sense.
Fortunately, the evidence for GIMPU is literally everywhere. Think about it. How is it that we are able to do math? It’s just numbers and confusing stuff. But if there were a magic entity to give us the power of math, then that just makes sense. That’s how we know GIMPU is real. Did you know there were hundreds of witnesses to GIMPU? Yeah. Hundreds. How do you think unicorn stories came into being all over the world? Because people saw unicorns. How more airtight of an argument for GIMPU can I give you? If you don’t believe by now…..
Then you understand why I don’t belive in your god.
The Spartan Atheist