It’s been a pretty common apologetics tactic to just assert that really, really, really impossible things reported in holy books actually happened, and we can trust that because there were SO MANY WITNESSES! Joseph Smith had his original three and later eight witnesses, Christianity has it’s 120 and 500 witnesses, and there were supposedly witnesses that saw Muhammed ride a winged horse to heaven.
Well, shit! Then why are we doing all of these mind-fuck exercises with William Lane Craig? Why don’t we just ask the witnesses! Just settle all of this once and for all! I mean, if I knew there were a whole bunch of witnesses to something, that is where I would START! I would interview them and capture their initial impressions right away! That way, they couldn’t be tainted or pressured into saying something else. And that’s exactly what happened, right guys? Guys? Hello?
To be fair, the Mormons at least had their witnesses sign something. We actually know their names. And…. let’s just say that if I were a defense attorney, it would be pretty easy to discredit them from the stand. They had everything to gain by lying, they were his personal friends, their “testimony” was pressured and collaborated, they were prone to believing they saw magic anywhere and everywhere, and their activities later in life contradicts the idea that they believed fully in the new religion. One witness apparently said that he hadn’t seen the plates with his physical eye but with his “spiritual eye.” But at least they have witnesses.
And I’m going to assume that not every religious person that reads my blog is a Mormon. And yet, here they have actual, named witnesses and their actual signature on a statement saying they witnessed the plates! Why are you not all Mormons!? Because their witnesses suck, that’s why. Anything and everything we know about reliable witness testimony is broken for all of these “witnesses.” No court would allow anything they said to stand. So no, we aren’t Mormons because it is a clear attempt to invent legitimacy. But at least they have witnesses!
Most other religions have no witnesses, and certainly not the Abrahamic religions. If you aren’t able to talk directly to the witnesses, and get their direct testimonies, and even to question them on precisely what they saw, heard, and did, then you don’t have a witness. You have a story of a witness. Nothing else. Nothing more. A story told to legitimize another story told. You have nothing.
You see, dear reader, in my travels far and wide, digging in some of the holiest of holy places, I was able to discover long-hidden testimonies from the actual witnesses to the events of Jesus! You can ask me for my research in the comments, but first, I present to the world, the ACTUAL WITNESSES of JESUS!:
“Jesus had a bad temper and was a horrible magician. One time he knocked over a bunch of tables in a market, and when bread and fish went flying he claimed that he miracled most of them into existence.”Simon
“Jesus? That fraud? He wandered around yelling about how Romans are horrible and they executed him. No, the real Messiah is George of Jaffa!”Barnabus
“I threw his body in a ditch with other bodies.”Roman guard Gaius
“Jesus was a dumbass. He begged for money, then bought wine and got drunk, then told people he magically turned water into wine and we should give him more money. Some of those damned fools believed him!”Mary
Prove me wrong. Oh yeah, you can’t. You don’t know who the witnesses are either.
The Spartan Atheist