Afterlife Insurance

Have you ever really considered what insurance is? A lot of my fellow Americans tend to think of it as a requirement to get a loan, or something the cops ask for when you get pulled over.  But the bank doesn’t have an insurance requirement just for the hell of it. They are protecting their financial interests against the unknown. On a lot with a house stands a thing of value, and they are the ones that fronted the money for it. All it takes is a tornado or fire, and they are holding the title for a chunk of land with a wreck on it. A worthless, disfigured wreck.

Insurance isn’t merely a thing that checks a legal or paperwork block, it is a contract to restore the financial equity of something of value.  If we knew ahead of time that there would be a fire, tornado, accident, or theft, there would be no need for insurance.

Life insurance is similar, but instead of a “thing” it is the financial value of a person that is protected.  If we knew when we were going to die, we could just plan for that.  But if you plan to earn a living for x many years and decide to start a family and buy a house, and then you die, the financial loss is the money needed to raise a family and pay off the mortgage.

Insurance protects the unknown.  If the unknown were known, we wouldn’t need insurance.  If the bank knew my house would catch fire, or I would die before I finished paying it off, my loan would look much different or wouldn’t exist.  So if someone tells you a bank doesn’t require insurance to get a loan, they are lying.  The bank doesn’t know the future, and that’s why they make you get insurance.

If a religious person tells you they know what happens after you die, you can tell they are lying because they take out insurance against it.  I call it AFTERLIFE insurance.  Your insurance agent doesn’t tell you you will never have a fire.  Your agent says we hope you don’t have a fire, but in case you do, here is some insurance which you can use to rebuild.  That’s what honesty looks like.

Dishonesty is telling you exactly what will happen to you after you die, but then doing everything they can to insure against a bad result.  They are taking out an afterlife insurance policy to protect against the unknown.  Naturally, this isn’t a legal contract.  But it is a sort of contract.  Prayer is an afterlife insurance contract.  Prayer is an admission that although they claim god has a plan, they’d like to purchase a little extra good faith by trying to directly talk to their deity for forgiveness, or longevity.

The most famous afterlife policy is Pascal’s wager.  It is absolute unashamed hedging your bet.  It approximately says that since we don’t know what happens after we die, we’re just gonna go ahead and believe in god just in case.  Nothing says “I am making shit up because I don’t actually know anything” more than Pascal’s wager.  But they still pretend they know.  If I ask a normal and religious person if their house will burn down next week, the answer is they don’t know.  But if I ask that same normal, and religious person if there is a heaven, they will confidently say yes!  And then they will pray and advise me about Pascal’s wager.  See the problem?

There are lots of little afterlife insurance policies the religious take out.  Just the mere action of going to church is nothing but an attempt to get a good payout after you die.  Well, that and being a self-righteous, judgmental prick.  But that’s for another article.

As with prayer and Pascal’s wager, the whole point of going to church is to worship your assumed god with the sole purpose of hoping that god is 1) real, and 2) willing to give you a leg up in the afterlife situation.  It’s ALL about the afterlife.  People seem to like when “god” helps them find their keys, but the thing they’re really after is a seat on the afterlife ship to heaven.  They can find their keys their own damned self, but they can’t buy a ticket on the heaven express.  Sitting in the pews is a payment on the premium for afterlife insurance.  Pausing to pray before bed is a payment.  “Witnessing” is a payment.  Mumbling over your food is a payment.  And just like life insurance, you have to keep paying the premium, lest your afterlife insurance goes out of force.

And there’s one other kind of afterlife insurance, it’s the kind that keeps you from having an afterlife of the unknown.  Any Christian that buckles their seat belt is unwittingly admitting they’re not 100% sure they’re going to get an afterlife.

Do you know who IS convinced there is an afterlife?  Those that are willing to give their life.  From Vikings of yesteryear to Islamic fanatics today, those dudes are convinced that their afterlife story is right.  They are willing to fight hard or sacrifice themselves because they do not fear death.  But let’s face it, that is not the majority of religious folks.  If the average modern human really thought for sure that there was an afterlife, there would be no need for safety meetings and safety stand-downs.  Think about that for a second.  Death, according to the expressed belief, is a guaranteed ticket to the most wonderful place ever!  Why the hell would we muck that up with silly things like safety?

The list of afterlife insurance- designed to prevent the believer from ever checking to see if they’re- right could fill a book.  Child car seats, for example.  Babies get a direct line to heaven, many believe, since they haven’t had the chance to purposely be a screw-up yet.  But they are dutifully strapped in like an egg.  Guard rails.  Highway markings. Construction codes.  Consumer protection.  Emergency services.  The EPA, FAA, all branches of the military, and dozens and dozens of federal government agencies.  Stop smoking campaigns. Healthy diet advice.  Locking exterior residential doors.  We’ve devoted so much time, energy, and money trying not to get killed, it’s almost like we aren’t sure what happens next……

Spoiler alert.  When you die, your brain functions cease like a flame that goes out.  Everything that makes you who you are is right there, but the chemical processes have stopped.  You are gone.  Done.  Just like before you were born you didn’t exist, when you die you no longer exist either.  You were a happy chance of the right place at the right time, so let’s make the most of this, shall we?  So be safe and take care.

And if you really want some afterlife insurance, leave a legacy of health, compassion, and love.  Let your works live through those that remain behind, be it this generation or the next.  Or the next after that.  Make the world a better place.  That’s the only real insurance for immortality, after all.

The Spartan Atheist

22 thoughts on “Afterlife Insurance

  1. Something that has interested me for some time is the meaning of words, and sometimes the overlap of similar words in other languages. Take Spanish for instance. Insurance, security, and safety are all the same words—Seguridad, seguro, seguridad, again. Insurance sales are usually flooded with the same personality types as the religious con men, using fear to sell comfort in the inevitable.


    1. I think the few insurance con men make a bad name for the majority that are probably honest and fair-dealing.

      But thanks for the translation information. I suppose insurance really is security- fiscal security. And in the context of this article, it’s the safety blanket the religious wrap themselves with, since they don’t actually have any clue about the afterlife.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Some info on life, death and the eternal soul from a Jedish perspective. GROG


    1. Jewish, not Jedish. Sorry

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Longer video, but I’ll check it out for sure!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a bit repetitious and you’ll get the point soon. This rabbi’s concept/delusion of the “eternal” is much like the Mormon delusion of eternal progression. GROG.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. A well thought out post! Most Christians don’t believe in their Bible as much as they claim to. I also question how morally good someone is if they only seek to be rewarded for ‘good deeds’. Christian’s might say the same thing, except that their whole religion is built on doing things for brownie points from Jesus.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is a very strange construct they propose. Lots of mental gymnastics required.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Fascinating. One other thing about insurance. When you lose it, as we did, years ago (for very complicated reasons) for a brief amount of time you actually feel that without house insurance your property is no longer protected from disaster. Weird, I know, but think about the ads for insurance: ‘the good hands people” that protective umbrella. “we’re there when you need us”. All of it kind of gives you a sense that as long as your house is insured, it’s safe. Even though you realize it’s a crap shoot, and a gamble that you’re willing to take that the house won’t float off the pier in a monsoon.

    Which is basically what Christians are selling, aren’t they. The gamble that there’s a heaven up there somewhere, and if you donate enough (time, energy, MONEY, prayer) you’ll be guaranteed a front row seat. So they’re trying to sell you Jesus Insurance.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know, maybe that is why the religious are so reluctant to let go. They fear the loss of security!
      Thank you for the comment.


      1. and the lowest insurance/religious trick of all, now abandoned forever, i hope, is the proselityzing of new mothers, to ‘commend’ their new baby boy to do “god’s work”. Raise him up to be a priest, yes indeedy, and you, madame, will be assured a place at the right hand of God. Had cousin who got railroaded that way, as he said, he never had a chance. And a friend who admitted (but never to his mother) that he was only in it for the education, and he had no plans on being a priest. That’s their insurance for mothers, if no one else. Secure that you will be one of God’s favored, and that your son will never marry away from you. (shakes head)

        Liked by 1 person

  5. It was only after monks/priests in the 4th and 5th centuries began committing suicide on an industrial scale, to get away from the physical/social/political hell on Earth, and into Heaven, that the Church declared suicide to be a sin. 😯

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol! People weren’t doing What They wanted, so new rule! God has a new rule!


  6. Well said, this reinforces my distrust in insurance providers.

    With everything I know and understand from my many decades of life so far I understand that no excuses can possibly exist for these crazy illogical people who seriously expect to earn an eternal life in heaven with a supernatural super god. This plainly indicates they have been mentally manipulated, suffer with irrationality, are emotionally deluded and have been blatantly scammed by a sick ancient mythical ideology, but they do not want to see it.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. “you can block me but you cannot hide the truth you third rate fool. atheism is a failure and it shall not stand because you people like to live in a dream world but in reality you are suffering like a diseased street DOG.”

    You are a Christian with a sore head. Read the Pew Research statistics, even Christian Americans are leaving the churches in droves. I cannot blame you for abusing atheists, that frustration must build up and need releasing.

    I just wonder when Christians are going to get more ugly than just name calling, that is what worries me, if the trend keeps going some Christian nutters out there are going to try and bring back the ancient methods of eliminating Pagans.


    1. Good morning, Sklyjd. Please dont confuse this moron with the actual Lady of Reason. I quite enjoy her blog.

      No, this language-challenged troll was blocked after dozens (hundreds?) of warnings to discuss the topic, instead of name calling and preaching. Being totally unable to have a back-and-forth about the topic meant his comments were uninteresting, unimaginative, insulting, and most of all uselessly time-consuming.

      Apparently, using one of my followers names bypasses the filter, so I’ll just manually delete his senseless drivel in the future.

      My apologies to Lady of Reason, this worthless troll doesn’t respect people, and his decision to use your moniker is distasteful.


      1. You can block the IP address … that usually does the trick.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. really. you are the king of all trolls. LOL, sometimes policeman has to disguise himself to find the criminals. you are a criminal and you speak about
    honesty and respect. you blocked me without answering my one question and you try to hide your ignorance by commenting about my language.
    it is only you had made derogatory and unconstitutional words against me.
    To Nan: you are just a audiance and you don’t take the trouble of engaging in intelligent discussions with me. you several times witnessed spartan’s filthy
    and deceptive response still you support his unfair acts.
    so, the question for LADY OF reason and to Nan. kindly tell me
    1. if you people don’t believe in the existance of GOD then what’s the point in pointing faults in scriptures
    2. if you don’t understand abot the spirit soul then why do you speak abot after life? anyway it is mythology according to you.
    3. I had asked spartan several hundreds of times this question if your senses are limited and defective then how with your limited defective senses appreciate
    GOD and his transcendental activities?
    So spartan I am not asking you I am asking to them let them answer.
    to the lady of reason:- if you are really reasonable kindly answer to above questions which spartan fail to answer.


  9. That’s probably one of the better analogies of the Christian afterlife that I’ve heard.


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