Bellybuttons

Did Adam and Eve have a bellybutton?  At first glance, it would seem so.

(I hope I’m allowed to post a picture from the Sistine Chapel without violating copyright laws…)

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This is a question that I certainly was asked in my youth at one time, and it seems I’m not the only one, as it was asked on a debate page with people weighing in quite ardently.  You see, if they had belly buttons, then the logical conclusion is they must have been born and not made.  Bellybuttons are the result of the umbilical cord stub retracting, after all.  So if they were just made one day as adults, then they never would have had umbilical cords, and said cords would not have withered and retracted in infancy.  But on the other hand, the bible doesn’t say they don’t, the bible says they were made, and they’re always pictured WITH said feature.  It’s a classic example of people fighting over a stupid myth.

First, the obvious.  This painting is not a photograph and thus we can gleam no real information from it.  It is merely an artist’s depiction from the later 15th century.  Secondly, we simply have no way to investigate it.  Even if Adam and Eve were real people, and actually lived only a mere 6000 years ago, their physical bodies are long gone.  So it’s a fairly silly question to ask anyway.  And if we know one thing about religious people, they love silly crap.  So… why am I asking it?

Well, there are other attributes of the human body that don’t just go away, and I’m talking about traits that are genetic.  Take attached or unattached earlobes for example.  If you have attached earlobes, you have them because one or both of your parents had the gene for them.  So even without your parents, we can look at your earlobes, and the earlobes of your siblings, and do the math on the chance that your parents had the same earlobe configuration.

So while it may be worthless asking if Adam and Eve had bellybuttons, it is fitting to ask if they had attached or unattached earlobes because it is a genetic trait, which means they would have received it from their parents.  Without parents, neither attached nor detached earlobes happens.  And without them having that genetic trait, their offspring would equally be unable to have either trait.  Which is impossible.  Which indicates the whole thing is a made-up story.

Other genetic traits also indicate that we had parents, and they had parents, etc. What color was their skin, eyes, and hair?  Was Eve a redhead?  Could they roll their tongue?  Did they have average length arms, or were they positive or negative on the ape index?  Did they have dimples?  Freckles?  Curly hair?  When they clasped their hands, did the right or left thumb lay on top?  Was Eve a colorblind carrier?  And if not, why is anyone in the world ever colorblind?  Did they have a full mouth of wisdom teeth?  If ANY of these questions are answered EITHER “yes” or “no”, it indicates that they had parents.  Again, bible is crap.

And while we’re talking about genetic traits, let’s discuss learned skills.  If Adam and Eve were made as full grown adults one day, how were they able to walk and talk?  How were they able to perform fine motor movements?  How were they able to speak?  These skills are “learned” in the brain as repeated movements begin forming pathways in the brain’s wiring, that becomes a shortcut as a myelin sheath forms around that pathway.  No myelin sheath, no fine motor skills, speaking, walking, processing information, or even socializing in a normalized manner.  In order for bible god to “poof” Adam and Even into existence, he would have to have pre-formed their brain with myelin pathways already formed.  But this brings up more questions!

For example, if bible god pre-made the myelin sheath for speech, then he would have had to pre-determine Adam and Eve’s accent.  He would have to have predicted their fine motor skills required to walk and engage with their particular environment.  He would have had to predict their mannerisms.  And he would have to take into account if they should be able to drive a stick!  LOL!  Seriously, though, these are things that are learned over time, and require brain development.  Which means we can’t just poof adults into existence and expect them to act like anything but large babies.  Mumbling, drooling, uncoordinated, pooping themselves large babies.  Adam would not have been able to name the animals, much less process which one of them he should most likely have sex with, then reject the premise, and then be thankful that god decided to give him a female human instead.  (Yes, that’s what happens in the bible.  Look it up.)

“Ah, Spartan, bible god just made them with the DNA set as he desired and pre-formed their brains!” some may say.  Which is a really weird thing to assume.  The same god that was being too damned lazy to bother to name all the plants and animals spent extra effort determining if Adam had attached earlobes, how he handled social situations, and pre-skilled his arms and hand for his environment?  But beside being a random ass guess, it also means that when Adam and Eve acted disobediently, god would have been responsible for forming their thinking patterns to be disobedient!  Attitudes and how people respond to situations and personalities are also learned!  And with no time to learn these traits, god must have pre-programmed Adam and Eve to act as they did.

Once again, it comes down to god intentionally designing the world so that humankind would fail, the result being he would have us under the thumb of eternal punishment here on earth.  And if you don’t merrily accept punishment here on earth and kiss his ass, you get punishment forever.

Luckily, there isn’t a shred of evidence that Adam and Eve actually existed.  The mountains of evidence we do have suggests it’s all made up crap, just like every other made up religion in the world ever.  So did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?  Of course they did, because they’re just fictional characters anyway.  Just like almost everyone else in the bible.

The Spartan Atheist

12 thoughts on “Bellybuttons

  1. Ahh, great minds. I couldn’t resist. I wrote this years ago, and it seems one of us must have been looking over the shoulder of the other. Belly buttons, indeed.

    ADAM’S BELLYBUTTON

    Understand, although I don’t object
    if he really had one
    it does seem as if he should
    being human and all
    but the only thing I can see
    more useless than a bellybutton
    on a grown man or woman
    is one on a man shaped from dust
    and spit and a leaf or two
    and then of course so Eve
    wouldn’t get all jealous and hurt
    (they were only children, after all)
    God had to give her one, too
    and then I begin to wonder,
    was it an innie or an outie?
    And the next step
    would be to consider the statement
    that since we are all made in God’s image
    God must have one of these too
    and my final burning question about all of this is,
    Why?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Excellent article!!! I think it’s stupid how man is made in God’s image but it’s sinful to be like God! 😂

    Liked by 4 people

  3. If Man was made in God’s image, whose image was Eve made in?? Is there a Mrs. God??
    Most fairy tales start with, “Once upon a time.” Only one that I know of, starts, “In the beginning.” 😳

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I didnt even dive into the ridiculous notion that Adam was supposed to pick one of the animals to be his companion, and finding none suitable god provided a woman. There is so much stupid there it’s worth an article of its own.

      Like

  4. In “the Unbearable Lightness of Being”, author Milan Kundera relates how, as a small child, he concluded that if man was created in the image of God — as he’d been told by adults — then God must have intestines. This led the young Kundera to irreverent, subversive, wildly profane thoughts. For instance: did Jesus defecate, like normal men and women? And so forth, in which adult Kundera then goes on to speculate about the origins of kitsch, which all ideologies — but especially religion — have in common. In the essay within the novel, Kundera defines kitsch as “the absolute denial of shit”, in both its figurative and literal meanings.

    But as you say, we’re dealing with myth here — to put it crudely: shit — and speculating seriously about such invented archetypes as Adam and Eve to begin with is already to concede, to some degree, to play by theologians’/apologists’ rules. We know from population genetics alone that homo sapiens as a species is not descended from just two individuals. No species can be, under evolutionary conditions, which, ultimately, are the only ones worth thinking about.

    None of this is news. What’s baffling is that — in this day and age –there are still some well-educated folks intent on bending over backwards to try and accommodate their hangups about the myths with the very science that has largely destroyed those myths. Catholics, especially, keep trying to rationalize these dissonances.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, ChrisS. Denial is a cornerstone of maintaining religious belief. Never heard of Kundera, gotta look him up.

      Like

    2. Czech/French novelist. Probably very politically incorrect in today’s climate, especially in the wake of feminism and #metoo. Wrote some good novels in the late 60’s and 70’s about life under totalitarianism: “Life is Elsewhere”; “Book of Laughter and Forgetting.” His essays are also worth reading, especially on Kafka and other central European writers.

      Like

  5. Very interesting, and no doubt they were both created with unsightly nose hair and warts. This is the sort of crap that these theist idiots would believe if their religious leaders told them it was true. I cannot wait for this dammed God to return to this Earth to take these idiots into his heaven.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. one must also consider the interbreeding aspect of not only Adam and Eve (one son survived and only a mere vague reference to a ‘wife’…), but Noah’s family, again, if all the people on all the earth were wiped out, where did the next generation come from? and the one after that…

    If you take it ‘straight’ as many believers do, then the miracle is that we are not blue eyed white haired limpers with 6 fingers and very very strange foreheads…

    It’s amazing what one does not see when one chooses not to.

    (and as an aside, to sklyjd, I can hardly wait for the Rapture, all those clothes, begging to be gathered up…)

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Funny thing about evangelicals. Their idea of Heaven would fit our definition of Hell. Many others have made the link between fundamentalism and totalitarianism — Hitchens among them — so I won’t belabour that point.

      It’s interesting — or not very, perhaps — the way creationists duck out on the implications of their own foolish beliefs when it comes to the in-breeding problems in those foundational Bible myths.

      Liked by 2 people

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