Unqualified Hacks. You know, preachers.

Preachers have an undefined role in our society. In some communities, they are spiritual leaders. In some, counselors. In some they may even be called upon to tend to physical ailments or natural phenomenon. But in all cases, they are quacks. Through and through, unqualified, useless charlatans.

For the record, I have zero respect for preachers, priests, rabbis, monks, reverends, or shamans based on that title alone. I respect people based on how they act and interact with other people. Adding such a title does not add any value of respect, and indeed making sure I’m aware of this title makes me respect the person less. If your silly title is so important to you, it probably means you’re not doing enough in reality to gain respect.

I digress. Why are preachers useless hacks?

Let’s start with the obvious examples. There is an entire industry of bullshit peddling con-men out there pretending to perform miracles and healings. These are the Peter Popoffs of the world, intentionally and deliberately fooling people out of their hard-earned money.

If you’re unaware, Popoff was busted by “the King of exposing bullshit” James Randi. Popoff would seem to hear God speak to him as he called out people by name and even name their affliction. Then he would relay from god that they would be okay. Turns out the voice of God was his wife, reading prayer cards to Peter via a hidden wireless earpiece.

Yes, the difference between a “legitimate” preacher and an outright con-man is so indistinguishable that it takes an expert to tell them apart. But lets face it, the actual con-men are low hanging fruit. The preachers that think they’re for real are even more useless and dangerous.

A preacher is not a doctor. With absolutely no medical training, they are even more useless than I am in providing assistance for medical conditions. I at least am CPR certified. And since they have no medical training, they often diagnose problems wrong.

Sure, a medical doctor could theoretically be a preacher. But no, demons do not cause illness. And I can’t stress this enough: Just by contemplating that possibility, their ability to effectively care for the sick is severely compromised. In a time when real medical attention may be warranted, they are just as likely to prescribe utter nonsense (like prayer), which is sure to fail.

Pick any possible scenario which requires adult action and responsibility. Flying a plane or approving housing loans. Doesn’t matter what it is. If I were to suggest that the person responsible should also be required to consider a few mythological considerations as well, would that sit well with you? Should the pilot consider petting a flower to appease the airplane lifting pixies in a crisis? No, that is stupid. They should fly the plane.

And yet, there are many preachers out there that recommend prayer or dunking your head under water or handling snakes to cure cancer. These preachers don’t think of themselves as con-men, but they are. They do not have any training whatsoever that qualifies them to be in a medically serious situation, and yet there they are. Mumbling to themselves. Enlisting the assistance of other volunteer mumblers. Eating crackers.

At this point, you may think I’m being a bit unfair to these charlatans. I assure you, I’m not. This is because even the soft, loving, caring, Yoda-esque preachers are still selectively lying to you. Yes, the liberal, LGBTQ friendly, soft spoken female preacher knows something they aren’t telling you. Dear reader, they have read the bible. And they know how fucked up that book really is. And they aren’t telling you.

Think about it. Preachers take in money from people that want to hear their message. There is a pressure there to deliver what the people want. They aren’t “guiding” the flock, they’re playing to their ideas of what a preacher should be. Now, naturally the “honest” preachers don’t think of it like that, but they all know it’s their job to fill the pews. They discuss it. And none of them conclude that they should hold a 12 part series on bible history.

No, they deliver a message they think will “wake people up”. They write sermons that will “give people faith”. In other words, whatever will keep people in the offering plate line.

But they know the real deal. Like corporate members of Enron, they believe in the brand and hide the numbers because the lay-person “wouldn’t understand”. But they know. And they aren’t telling you.

Yes, most preachers know that Old Testament god was a complete asshole, and advocated for slavery and genocide and war brides. But they justify it to themselves and hide it from their flock. Most preachers know that “he who is without sin, cast the first stone” is a complete forgery, yet they justify it and say it’s the inerrant word of Jesus. Most preachers know about all the contradictions in the four gospels, but feel we’re not sophisticated enough to mention it.

And the worst of the worst are the preachers that don’t know any of this. If a preacher doesn’t know about the horror, the inconsistency, and the forgeries, then they really are unqualified. They stand up every Sunday and preach with authority on a subject on which they are ignorant. There is no excuse for these fools.

Preachers perpetuate the myth. They know, and justify to themselves, perpetuating the softer, gentler version their flock wants to hear. They literally lie for a living.

Lying, unqualified hacks all.

The Spartan Atheist

12 thoughts on “Unqualified Hacks. You know, preachers.

  1. Yes, the liberal, LGBTQ friendly, soft spoken female preacher knows something they aren’t telling you. Dear reader, they have read the bible. And they know how fucked up that book really is. And they aren’t telling you.

    And some of them lie more directly than just by omission. They tie themselves in knots coming up with “reasons” why the Bible doesn’t really mean all the horrible things it says. Why, for example, Leviticus isn’t really condemning homosexuality, why Sodom wasn’t destroyed for that reason, why Hell is just “separation from God” and not eternal torture, why it doesn’t reduce women to the level of property, etc. Oh, so all those devout Christians who believed those things for 2,000 years had it wrong, and nobody figured out what the Bible “really” means until the late 20th century, when by an amazing coincidence it turned out to be in accord with late 20th century sensibilities?

    Most preachers know that “he who is without sin, cast the first stone” is a complete forgery

    I’m curious — is there some reason why that passage is more of a forgery than the Gospels in general are?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. They’re possibly completely made up stories, but in the case of “he who is without sin”, we have earlier versions of the gospels without that passage. It was added in the 5th century.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I used to quote that verse as a Christian. Then I left Christanity and read some Bart Ehrman. His book “Misquoting Jesus” was where I learned that verse was a later addition. Churches know this and still use that verse all the time.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I always thought it interesting that just because one wears the collar, all the sudden they are experts and wise and can solve an abundance of problems. It ain’t so, and the access given to them to our children is scary. If you want to find a pedophile, go to where the children are. Aligned with a cloak of deceitful self righteousness they pray on everyone. Like being a preacher sets them up with a high moral respectability. Hah!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Had a customer a few years back. I’d call and say “is this George?” (Name changed). “Yes, this is REVEREND Schmucky.” he would always reply. My eyes would roll so far back I saw my brain.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Establishing pretenses? I’d say ” great—George”. Lol

        Liked by 2 people

    2. I always thought it interesting that just because one wears the collar, all the sudden they are experts and wise and can solve an abundance of problems.

      This is unfortunately the result of blind church goers. If christians realize that their priest, pastors etc are still regular human beings like them ( though some christians do ), this disparity wouldn’t exist.

      It is easy for me to act like I am higher than you, if you believe I am higher than you.
      Those at the pews create a conducive environment which is capitalized on by the pulpit

      Liked by 2 people

  3. When I was Christian a lot of the churches taught that Jesus is your best friend who wants the best for you etc. The teaching seemed pretty nice but of course they ignored alot of the bad stuff in the Bible. Mentioning Hell is kinda awkward when teaching Christ wants to have a relationship with you…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah, love me or I’ll burn you and torture you forever. What a relationship.

      Plus all the racist stuff, the end times within his generation, etc…

      Liked by 3 people

  4. Historically vicars and priests and such used to be pillars of the community by helping the poor, sick etc. and hopefully acting like a role model in the community and giving everyone helpful advice and guidance on secular matters as well. Now, though I feel that job is much better secularized with social workers and such for starters 🙂 The good priests and pastors could be a positive force in the community if they led with love and acceptance. That love of serving one’s community can equally be done though secular channels 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Keep the love and guidance by some role model in the community, without the required faith aspect so it can reach ALL people.

      Liked by 2 people

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