Chicken God is Real!

I saw a chicken in the cloud! Chicken God lives! Praise Chicken God!

…. said no one ever.  Children all around the world play this game of looking at clouds and trying to figure out what they look like.  Sometimes it’s a dinosaur, sometimes it’s a car, sometimes it’s a dog.  Sometimes it’s a dog that then looks like a dinosaur.  But at no time does anyone feel the urge to assume that the dog looking dinosaur is a message sent by an invisible, sentient deity.  And yet……

I saw Jesus in a piece of toast! Jesus lives! Praise Jesus!

Really?  This is how you confirm the existence of your deity?  The very god that created the entire world, with billions and billions of galaxies to attend to, and he’s going to reveal himself as a slightly burnt image on bread?  It reminds me of this image:

maxresdefault

Yes, that is what appears to be Jesus on a dogs ass.  I may be going out on a limb here, but I don’t think the savior of the entire world thought it would be a testament of his glory if he could only appear on a dogs ass.

Seriously, to buy this nonsense you have to believe that the most powerful being that ever was or ever will be has decided to announce his presence to his followers by appearing as a really blurry image on a half-eaten chicken breast.  Why is this even considered reasonable discourse?  If god were real, and he actually did appear as an out-of-focus image on my food, I would probably throw up.  What the f*** did I just eat?

If you click on the chicken breast picture, don’t stop there.  Jesus also appears in bird shit on a window.  And let me tell you, the image is uncanny….. in it’s ability to not really look like Jesus.  Yes, these images are bad.  REALLY bad.  You have to back up and squint a bit to make them seem like Jesus.  Yet people are taking pictures of this crap and putting it on social media, where devotees readily proclaim that it is a miracle!  What kind of stupid miracle is this?  Why is Jesus pancake a miracle, but grumpy cookie just cute?

Not Amused Cookie

I mean, grumpy cookie is freakin’ awesome and all, but I seriously doubt it made it’s way around Christian sites only to receive hundreds of “amen” comments.  Grumpy cookie was probably not preserved and framed so people could come and bask in it’s glory.  People probably don’t seek out grumpy cookie and pray the rosary over it.  Yet they do this for Jesus pancakes.  Why?  Why do they do shit that makes no sense?

And let’s not forget, fair readers, that the image we subscribe to of Jesus is made up by artists centuries later.  Since the bible doesn’t say what he looks like, and the early versions varied widely, chances are the current blue-eyed, long hair, light skinned image is almost assuredly not at all what Jesus looked like, assuming that he was ever real in the first place.  His pale skin would certainly have caused a stir.  All those wise men would have been looking at Joseph with an eyebrow turned up.  Considering how dark-skinned people are in that region, a near-albino in their midst would certainly have been looked upon as a sign of something great.  But the bible missed that detail.

So modern Christians are using the same brain teaser used to find chickens in clouds to identify their deity, and then call it a miracle.  It’s a miracle they’re allowed to drive.

The Spartan Atheist

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16 thoughts on “Chicken God is Real!

  1. This is priceless!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I went through the images and its just a case of looking at the sky too long and you start to see whatever you want

    The christians know that the got no evidence for their Jesus and as such they are trying as much as possible to see Jesus in anything so to try and convince themselves that their invisible sky daddy is real and its not the Jesus Delusion

    How the hell can you see a “sighting” and say its Jesus when you have no idea how he looks like

    I saw his noodly appendage in my bowl of spaghetti and no one believing me that the FSM spoke to me

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I walked into a hardware store once, went to the hammer section, and shouted out, “THOR WAS HERE!! THOR WAS HERE!!! PROOF HE’S REAL IS EVIDENCED BY THESE HAMMERS!!! THOR WAS HERE!! HE LEFT HIS HAMMERS!!! PRAISE THOR!!” Then I was arrested and spent the night in the psych ward. Same thing needs to happen to Christians who see Jeebus in toast and on the ass-end of dogs. Lunatics.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey, now. Thor is real! You know it’s true, because you still stay Thors-day every week! *drop mike*

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, duh! Of course he’s real. He stars in all those Avengers movies! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    2. His powers are limitless…..I accidentally hit my thumb with a hammer last week and I’ve been feeling Thor ever since!

      Liked by 3 people

  4. NASA Satellite Capture The View of Lord Shiva Kalisaha Real Image https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-D7fR4G1K0

    Like

  5. https://historyisfascinating.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/p1020770.jpg?w=768&h=576

    I made this cartoon as it’s relevant to your last important point! The caption is: “Jesus befuddles all his Semite contemporaries!”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Did you see the cartoon okay?

        Like

  6. Why did the chicken god cross the road? To manifest himself on a dog’s ass!

    The only reason the religio-nutters are making a big deal out of these toast apparitions and whatnot is that it’s the best they’ve got. If they had any better evidence for their imaginary friend’s existence, they’d be talking up that, and ignoring the crunchy pareidolia. So that shows how low the bar has now been set.

    If God wanted to get our attention with a visual sign, I’d expect thousand-mile-high Hebrew lettering along the orbit of the Moon or something like that. Any deity whose most impressive miracle is appearing on toast is a deity we can safely ignore.

    Liked by 2 people

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