I saw a chicken in the cloud! Chicken God lives! Praise Chicken God!
…. said no one ever. Children all around the world play this game of looking at clouds and trying to figure out what they look like. Sometimes it’s a dinosaur, sometimes it’s a car, sometimes it’s a dog. Sometimes it’s a dog that then looks like a dinosaur. But at no time does anyone feel the urge to assume that the dog looking dinosaur is a message sent by an invisible, sentient deity. And yet……
I saw Jesus in a piece of toast! Jesus lives! Praise Jesus!
Really? This is how you confirm the existence of your deity? The very god that created the entire world, with billions and billions of galaxies to attend to, and he’s going to reveal himself as a slightly burnt image on bread? It reminds me of this image:
Yes, that is what appears to be Jesus on a dogs ass. I may be going out on a limb here, but I don’t think the savior of the entire world thought it would be a testament of his glory if he could only appear on a dogs ass.
Seriously, to buy this nonsense you have to believe that the most powerful being that ever was or ever will be has decided to announce his presence to his followers by appearing as a really blurry image on a half-eaten chicken breast. Why is this even considered reasonable discourse? If god were real, and he actually did appear as an out-of-focus image on my food, I would probably throw up. What the f*** did I just eat?
If you click on the chicken breast picture, don’t stop there. Jesus also appears in bird shit on a window. And let me tell you, the image is uncanny….. in it’s ability to not really look like Jesus. Yes, these images are bad. REALLY bad. You have to back up and squint a bit to make them seem like Jesus. Yet people are taking pictures of this crap and putting it on social media, where devotees readily proclaim that it is a miracle! What kind of stupid miracle is this? Why is Jesus pancake a miracle, but grumpy cookie just cute?
I mean, grumpy cookie is freakin’ awesome and all, but I seriously doubt it made it’s way around Christian sites only to receive hundreds of “amen” comments. Grumpy cookie was probably not preserved and framed so people could come and bask in it’s glory. People probably don’t seek out grumpy cookie and pray the rosary over it. Yet they do this for Jesus pancakes. Why? Why do they do shit that makes no sense?
And let’s not forget, fair readers, that the image we subscribe to of Jesus is made up by artists centuries later. Since the bible doesn’t say what he looks like, and the early versions varied widely, chances are the current blue-eyed, long hair, light skinned image is almost assuredly not at all what Jesus looked like, assuming that he was ever real in the first place. His pale skin would certainly have caused a stir. All those wise men would have been looking at Joseph with an eyebrow turned up. Considering how dark-skinned people are in that region, a near-albino in their midst would certainly have been looked upon as a sign of something great. But the bible missed that detail.
So modern Christians are using the same brain teaser used to find chickens in clouds to identify their deity, and then call it a miracle. It’s a miracle they’re allowed to drive.
The Spartan Atheist