The Book of Morons

I’ve begun reading the Book of Mormon. Maybe after reading the bible I decided that I deserved more pain and suffering in my life!  But seriously, it was for the same reason that I read the bible. Someone told me how awesome it was, and told me I just had to try it.

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For the bible, it was a preacher I worked with (non-religious endeavor) who told me I was taking things out of context, and needed to really read it.  Damn, as painful as it was, I’m glad I did because knowledge is power, and knowing more about the bible than the two women that knocked on my door two years ago was PRICELESS!

That’s another story.  In this story, I was visiting a friend and we were all hanging out outside.  We noticed the poor neighbor across the street was being gang-prosthelietyzed to by three Mormons.  I decided it looked like fun, and I felt sorry for the guy, so I wandered over and started talking to one of them.

I was polite and up front about being an atheist, chatted about whatever for a bit, and basically posed the question that among the thousands of gods, what made his so special? After a lengthy back and forth where I noted I wasn’t concerned with the story so much as how he knew it was the right one, he finally asked me to read the book of Mormon, because it had spoken to him.

Anyway, that’s the back story.  I promised I would read it.

So, I admittedly am not very deep into it yet. However, my impression so far is that this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read. A few words:

  • If this writer says “came to pass” one more time, I’m gonna punch a unicorn. Almost every damned sentence starts with “it came to pass” and “it came to pass” is in the the middle of the other half of the sentences. Something should pass, like a paragraph at least, or some time in the story, before you can say “it came to pass” again. “X said such and such to Y, and it came to pass Y said such and such back” is not using that phrase right. Damn, it sounds like someone is making this crap up on the fly!
  • Apparently, the seer stone Joseph Smith used to translate the text liked to constantly vary what century of English it wanted to translate into, even at times using modern metaphor.
  • The story line so far is ridiculous. God tells Lehi to get out of town super quick cuz “super bad soon!”, so Lehi heads to the wilderness, and it came to pass (damnit!) god said oh, go back into town and talk to some folks and then get the genealogy plates, which is curious because he had to leave super quick, so… why? Also makes you wonder if god is as bad at packing as my brother in law?
  • Nephi’s family is dumber than bible folk. I’m not going to bother counting, but about once a week they seem to get all pissed at Nephi and call him a jerk, and why does he think he’s so cool? Then God shows up and sets things straight, for about a week. With long-term memory problems that are so rampant in the bible and the moron book, I’m suprised they were able to remember stuff long enough to write it down for posterity!
  • “Which is to say.” Used slightly less than “it came to pass.”  Apparently, when Nephi was making iron ore plates to record his experiences, the process of transcribing words on to this chunk of metal was so fluid and easy that he could just rattle on about his thoughts quicker than a teen can text.  Naturally, because of this extreme ease of stamping words on a chunk of metal with a hammer, Nephi sometimes wrote stuff without as much thought, so he hammered in “which is to say” and then continued on by clarifying himself by more super quick hammering.  There was no point in Nephi thinking ahead of time what he wanted to hammer into the ore, since he had so much room on the plate and the hammer scribing process is so quick and easy anyway.  OR, JUST MAYBE, Joseph Smith was making shit up with his head in a hat.  We’ll leave that up to faith.
  • In addition to hammering out unclear thoughts on ore, and then correcting them by hammering the ore more, Nephi is really, really good at hammering out every. single. word. everyone said, including repeating themselves multiple times during unprepared speeches.
  • It’s a miracle to me that a man could prophesize about something that would happen 1800 years earlier…..
  • Speaking of prophesy, what good is it to prophesize about something, and then bury the text so they could never be read by anyone until two millennia after the fact by a convicted con-man?

Well, I’ll keep punishing myself and offering thoughts. Cheers.

The Spartan Atheist

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12 thoughts on “The Book of Morons

  1. Does this contain The Book of Abraham and the Doctrine and Covenants, or are those separate things?

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    1. Those are separate things. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to them or not, but an atheist friend of mine has a PhD in some religious study and he told me all about that crap. I’ll have to pick his brain again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There was claimed that part of the plates were sealed and would come forth at a later date. Some guy made up the sealed portion and it’s every bit as good as the original. Many people still believe it even though Christopher Namelka admitted to forging it

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      2. There was a guy that forged documents “proving” Mormonism was a lie, or the other guy was supposed to be the head, and a few others, and made the church pay through the nose, and then released them anyway just to prove that they were a bunch of corrupt a-holes. Maybe it’s the same guy.

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      3. No. Different guy. That was the salamander letters. Hoffman actually was caught after bombing something to try to cover it up. That was in the 80’s of forgive my memory. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salamander_letter

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You may be in for a rough time. I think Mark Twain once referred to the Book of Mormon as “chloroform in print”.

    Joseph Smith was semi-literate and very poorly educated, and would not have known about different idiomatic styles or levels of address in English. Good point about how verbose blathering wouldn’t be very likely in a text that supposedly had to be inscribed on metal plates.

    If it comes to pass that you’re still interested in Mormonism after plowing through the book, I can recommend No Man Knows My History by Fawn Brodie (1945), an excellent biography of Smith. It’s not written in the spirit of an exposé or an attack on Mormonism, but it makes it pretty clear what was going on — the most epic con of the modern era.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “If it comes to pass that you’re still interested….” I hate you right now. LOL!

      Yeah, I’ll have to look that up. Thanks!

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  3. aw, but it has a magic sword! the BOM is so much more idiotic than theh bible and that’s saying something.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! And the Mormon’s sighed a big sigh when Scientology came around, because then they weren’t the craziest religion on the block anymore!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. heh, can’t stand up to Xenu and the DC-3s

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Excuse me, but the Loyal Officers of the Galactic Confederacy sorted this out 75 million years ago. Xenu is eternally imprisoned in a mountain and Teegeeack is now free.

        Liked by 1 person

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