Often, when I equate religions to make a point, such as “how do you know that your religion is the one of thousands that is right?”, I hear “oh, it’s not a religion, it’s a personal relationship with god.” I find it kinda creepy having a relationship with a 2000 year old zombie, but I tend not to judge other people’s relationships.
Except in this case, where it’s utterly ridiculous.
Do you know who had a personal relationship with god? Abraham. Yeah, THAT Abraham. Old (school) Testament Abraham. God would go walking around sometimes to check things out, and he’d wander by Abraham’s tent and say, “Hey, let’s go for a walk, bro.” And Abraham would say “Yeah, bro. What’s up?” And God would say “I’m gonna make you a fucking legend. I mean a rich cat, everybody’s gonna know ya’, ya’ gonna be tappin’ all that ass. All you gotta do is this one thing.” “Yeah, bro. That’s awesome. What’cha want?” “You and your homies and your brats gotta chop off the end of your dicks.” And then Abraham just did it, because god actually delivered on his promises back then.
Moses got to hang out with god a bunch of times. One time, Moses had a chat with god about what to do to save all the Jews, and then a little later with no provocation god was just gonna kill Moses. No reason. God is psychopathic like that. But lucky for god, Zipporah saw god stomping on over to kill Moses, so super quick like chopped off the end of their son’s dick and threw it at Moses’ feet, which made god stop long enough to remember that he had chosen Moses to lead a whole bunch of genocide later, so he decided Moses was cool, what with a bloody foreskin at his feet an all, and took off.
Hell, Jacob got in a wrestling match with god. (Or maybe an angel. Who cares. It wasn’t human, that’s the point.)
Yeah, it seemed that for years God was perfectly content walking around and chatting with people. But he was clearly getting a pretty big head. With Abraham, yeah, he was god, but like a new father he was still prone to some goofy rules because he was still not sure how things were gonna turn out. By the time of Moses, he had already decided that his shit didn’t stink anymore, and made a whole bunch more rules that included the one that he was too cool to be seen by average people. But at least when he told someone he was gonna do something, he was on it. You want an alter with dead animals completely doused with water on fire in a hurry? Boom, done.
Then god sorta gets tired of “god’ing” and starts just poking his head in every 3rd or 4th king. He comes in late at night all drunk, screams at his children that they’re assholes, kills some people and makes someone else king, then passes out on the couch. All his kids sorta straighten up for a bit, but after about 40 years start to chill out again because god is down at the bar trying to make out with the town tramp. This continues for about a thousand years.
Then one day, Jesus pops on the scene, and it takes us a while to realize he’s also god. It’s very confusing for people at first because they all just remember the drunken slob they’ve gotten used to for so many millennia. But god managed to clean himself up and even take a bath. And he’s a changed man now. He doesn’t want us to commit genocide anymore, for example. But the thing that really irked people was he decided that since he’s clean and sober now, all the kids should go live with him now. The younger kids were like “yeah, daddy said he loves us and we should love each other!” But the older kids were like “Like every other time he promises to take care of us, then he goes on a bender and we get screwed!” So the older kids are pissed that god is such a worthless father and start yelling, so god/Jesus is like “look at me, I’m really sorry! I’m sorry I was so worthless but look, I’m gonna nail myself to a fucking tree to prove that I’m a changed man.”
And then since he was all broken and sad because his older kids weren’t buying his shit, he split town again. His younger kids are still all hopeful, though. It’s really sad watching them peer out the window every day, just hoping their dad will come home. But they maintain the vigil. Sometimes they mumble things like “he said he’s be right back”, and “he said don’t bother going to work tomorrow because I’ll come get you.” But it’s been about 2000 years now, and he still hasn’t bothered to come get his kids.
A few of the younger kids have really amp’ed up their game. They have taken to yelling at some of the other kids that are starting to doubt their dad will ever show. They yell shit like “that’s your father you’re talking about! Don’t you dare call him a liar!” They tell the other kids they’d better say their dad will be “right back” or the evil government will take them and split them up and put them in horrible kid prisons for parent-less kids. They also hold regular planning meetings where they make sure all the other kids have their bags packed for the moment when their dad shows up to take them to his house.
They each kiss a worn-out picture of their dad, and the self-appointed leaders tell each child that dad told them he would help each kid with whatever particular problem they were having. “Dad told me he would help you fix your bike, Tommy.” “Dad told me he would help you with girls, Joe.” Despite none of this being true, they feel it is their duty to keep hope alive with their siblings. But some of these poor kids have been on edge for so long their nerves are frazzled, yet they can’t let go of the broken promise.
The older kids have just moved on. They really didn’t see him as a father figure anyway, and they mostly assume that he’s probably dead now, lying rotting in a ditch still clutching a bottle of booze. Good riddance, anyway. Nobody wants a drunken sperm donor around to keep making things harder.
Congrats, Christians. That’s your relationship with Jesus.
The Spartan Atheist